Ask The Bastard

HELLO GAMERS, I’m Bill Cavalier and I’m here to help YOU get the MOST out of YOUR game. Your DM probably has a life coach. Why can’t your character?


So if you’re struggling with a killer DM, or an overwhelming array of character choices, or maybe another clueless player who doesn’t know enough to bring the proper snacks to the game, drop me a line.

But remember: There ARE stupid questions. This consultation is gratis, and The Cavalier does NOT waste his time on half-elven shenanigans. Only those dilemmas that rise to the level of ADVENTURE will be addressed.

So make sure you’ve put on your big-boy pants before you send me a question.

Ask The Bastard

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14 Responses to Ask The Bastard

  1. Cyrus Kirby says:

    Dungeon Bastard,

    Thank you so much for your dedication and devotion to helping players and characters grow a pair.

  2. Schnell says:

    My Dungeon Master doesn’t understand me! He puts characters over gods! What do do?

  3. Mystra says:

    TO do, not do do!

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  5. hahnarama says:

    Why does the Dungeon Bastard wield a bat’leth? Why not a Scimitar or Bastard Sword?

    • DarkAngelSammael says:

      Look at the bat’leth. It is most likely a X3 crit weapon. His Bastardliness obviously wants maximum blood splatter and decapitation, so the choice was clear.

  6. Dear Dungeon Bastard,
    I’m heading to a gaming convention and looking forward to trying my hand again with the RPGA. The problem is that Lord Whitecross (naming your execution-axe-wielding frothing-at-the-mouth eater-of-the-dead gnoll barbarian something fancy :pinky finger up: helps me get past both cautious DMs and announce my name without immediately having to roll initiative) has had bad RPGA experiences at a convention before. Despite the RPGA rule requiring you to consent to players doing damage to you (bwahahaahahaha), I just can’t seem to find a table that’s not filled with elves, new players, & people doing it wrong.
    Without cloning myself, how do I improve my chances of having a bad ass party (of bad asses) show up for Con-exclusive loot & plunder?
    -The Malignant Gnoll

    • Shawn says:

      Having experienced similar RPGA issues, the best solution is to bring friends and all play together. 5 of us played dwarves of the Stonesplitter clan, with 2 barbarians, a cleric, a rogue, and a wizard. (If you think a dwarf wizard isn’t any good, you haven’t seen one cast haste on the rest of the dwarves in the party prior to them chopping a Frost Giant down like a tree.) However, unless you are able to get a group of 6 friends together, plan on being stuck with the worst party and players ever. It is then your job to be a one man killing machine.

  7. Matt says:

    Oh Holy Bastard,
    I’m currently in a group where another player, whom is normally chaotic neutral, is playing a lawful-good paladin. ThACO be damned, I swear he isn’t doing it right! His idea of a paladin is a nancy-boy who is intolerant of everything that breaths and doesn’t wear a holy symbol. My question to you is: Is he playing a paladin correctly? I don’t need my Mage killed in his sleep again for knowing Infernal and Abyssal (>.<)

  8. LoganN64 says:

    Dear Dungeon Bastard,

    I’m a fairly new to D&D, I started out playing 4th Edition on and off about 2 years ago. I have a fairly decent connection to a group but we always seem to lose a few players due to lack of group synergy (rudeness mainly or they die horribly and just leave in a huff). I have tried to get my sister to join my group which already has a female player, I am curious if there is some way I could convince her to tag along even for one game to see if she even likes it?
    -Logan Johnson

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  11. Taylon Shade says:

    Dear Bastard,

    What are your thoughts on the Rogue class. I’m about to start playing another 4.0 campaign and was wondering how I should play the class. Do I concentrate on more damage? Do I concentrate on role play that involves swindling, stealing, sneaking, and over all screwing my team? Or should I simply sit back in a dark corner, wait for my team to kill the monsters, then loot the chests?

  12. Marc says:

    Dear Mr Bastard

    Is there anywhere I can legitimately get hold of a PDF of the World’s Worst Dungeon Crawl?


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