Still, everyone once in a while some Dungeon Janitor (or DJ) will write in, whining about some nit-picking problem they have in their game.

Well, I’m not here to help, but I AM here to OFFER MY ADVICE:

But in your search for a change of pace, you might hear the Call of Cthulhu.

My advice? You let that call go to voicemail!

With your support I will start with a cliched “Save the Princess” premise, and assemble a Frankenstein’s monster of hackneyed encounters, odious PCs, and completely predictable plot twists. Then I zap that morbid hulk with 1.6 gigawatts of DUNGEON BASTARD GUSTO and the next thing you know, you’re getting punched in the face by the twin slam attacks of the MAXIMUM FUN GOLEM.

You can get all the details at the Kickstarter page, but I want to highlight a few things:

First of all this is a REAL ADVENTURE, not just some lame joke parody thing. Yeah, it’s got halflings with goofy names (Ed. Note: REDUNDANT) and the plot is COMPLETELY predictable, but the intent is to make a dungeon crawl so over-the-top cliched, it blows the hinges off the Secret Door of Suckitude and drops you down a sliding chute to the Treasure Chamber of Awesome. So trust me, you won’t find a Star Trek room or a bunch of Justin Bieber references. I may be the Dungeon Bastard, but even I wouldn’t do that to you.

Second, I’m using homebrew rules, but if you’ve played any variant of the standard fantasy RPG, you’ll have no problem integrating this into your own game.

Finally, we have some GREAT rewards for the casual fan and even more terrific stuff for all you BADASS DUNGEON CRUSHERS out there.

For starters, the $25 level gives you an HD download of the event, a PDF of the adventure AND the Genius Guide to Horrifically Overpowered Feats from Super Genius Games.

At the $50 level, not only do you get a copy of the live event on DVD, you also get a PDF of the Official Dungeon Bastard ULTIMATE DICE TOWER from Fat Dragon Games AND a pair of LAWFUL BADASS sweatbands.

Speaking of Badassitude, have you lusted for your very own LAWFUL BADASS t-shirt? This campaign marks the first time they’re available.

Does this game sound like so much fun, you HAVE to get in?

Here’s the deal: the location we’re looking at has ~200 seats. You want a guaranteed in, the Dwarven Paladin level secures you a chair. You want VIP seating? The MAXOTAUR level does the job. You want the best seat of ALL — one AT the table? You, sir or fine madam, should pledge at the CHROMATIC DRAGON level. And two lucky MAXOTAUR backers in attendance will be drawn for spots in the game as well.

After that, it’s a crapshoot who gets into the room.

I want you there because I think this is going to be a blast and as we all know, there’s nothing better than gaming with friends.

So spread the word! It’s an ambitious project with an ambitious goal, but together we can make The World’s WORST Dungeon Crawl happen.

GAME ON!

What do you do when your game gets TOO popular??

You TUNE IN HERE.

Look, I game in the analog world but I live in the digital one. So if you’re like me, your computer can’t get enough of MY FACE. Make your computer happy with one of these fancy new official DUNGEON BASTARD wallpapers. Now in five different sizes!

Medium! 1280 x 720

Large! 1366 x 768

Huge! 1600 x 1200 (4:3 ratio)

Gargantuan! 1920 x 1080

Colossal! 2560 x 1440

Still, if you’re going to crank those dials, you might as well turn to the guy who put the PNEUMATIC WRENCH in character torquing!

Gentle greetings, my fellow hobby gaming enthusiasts. Today I humbly announce the first in my new line of role-playing games, DUNGEON Feeelings™ — a unique exploration of your character’s vibrant inner life, through the use of therapeutic interaction, extended deep-chakra meditation, and wigs.

This 802-page introductory sourcebook is perhaps best defined by what is it not:

1. It is NOT a rulebook. Rules are proscriptive and limit the imagination. Instead you will find guidelines, which are abstract, descriptive, and inspirational! For instance, one entire chapter of DUNGEON Feeelings™ simply contains picture after picture of small dogs wearing different neckerchiefs. Little Barney McScruff is a boy scout! Putt-Putt is a cowboy! You’d never find anything like this in a book of rules.
2. It is NOT lavish. DUNGEON Feeelings™ puts a premium on ideas, not end results, and that philosophy is so central to this game that I’ve carried it forth in the execution. I did not waste your money putting together some extravagant leather-bound hardcover with book ribbons, map inserts, and page numbers. I spent it on ideas. Just because an idea is photocopied onto the back of some outdated quarterly earnings reports does not make it a BAD IDEA.
3. It is NOT playtested. Playtesting results in two things: angry emails and a lot of people telling you THEIR definitions of “game balance,” “readability,” and “fun.” DUNGEON Feeelings™ is all about gaming on YOUR terms!

If you are a discerning gamer like myself, you are already sold.

Still, some of you may have questions, so I have helpfully excerpted some of the more common responses from our F.S.C. (Frequently Submitted Complaints) for your further clarification:

C: Under the ‘Choosing a Race’ section, there’s a short description of something called an “Ealf” and then the section abruptly ends. Am I missing something? Where do I get information on the other races?

A: In DUNGEON Feeelings™ there are no other races. That leads to racism. I’ve eliminated this inherent societal problem by including ONE race: Ealf™. Your character is defined by their vibrant inner life, not by some arbitrary physical characteristics like “Strength” or “Wisdom.” NOTE: Due to popular demand I may consider publishing an expansion with options for Tall Ealf™ (or Hyghe-Fellow) and Not-Quite-As-Tall Ealf™ (or Mostely-Hyghe Fellow). Look for an announcement of this upcoming Kickstarter campaign in the near future.

C: Hey man, name’s Derek. Hey, so, what’s the deal with Classes? Can I play a Space Marine in this game?

A:  Derek – While designing any role-playing system, it’s important to recognize that different players have wildly different play styles. Some enjoy the simple, up-front role of the fighter. Some prefer to master the arcane arts and play as a wizard. But there are so many players, with such a wide variety of tastes, that most normal RPGs can never please them all! (c.f. every ‘Blademage’, ‘Swordsinger’,'Arcanejusticar’ class ever).

In DUNGEON Feeelings™ I’ve solved this problem by eliminating classes altogether, in favor of a more abstract notion called self actualization. In a nutshell: if you THINK you are a Space Marine, Derek, you ARE A SPACE MARINE!

More importantly, how does that make you feel?

C: My gaming group tried this out the other night (mostly on a dare from Brad) and everything was going sorta okay and stuff but the Dm said we encountered an “Orke” and then the whole session kinda got bogged down when we got to the combat. How does that work, are there like initiative rolls and weapon speed factor and stuff?

A: How does it work? I am glad you asked! DUNGEON Feeelings™ uses the revolutionary new W.U.S.S. task resolution mechanics:

W – Who! Who are you, good sir? Pull up a warm chair by my campfire, enjoy a few sips of fine brandywine, and tell me about yourself! Good day and well met! Let us share a story and laugh! Hee ho!
U – Understand! You have one point of view, perhaps I have another! Share with me the essential nature of your assuredly deep and interesting inner life, Mr. Orke, and I, in turn, shall share with you! Together we may forge an understanding. Hee ho! That growl tells me you are thinking something. Perhaps I am thinking it too! Or perhaps you shall surprise me! Surprises are a Name-Day present you forgot to open because it was wrapped with invisible Faery Leaf!
S – SHHHH!! Now that we have made a proper introduction and explicated the core emotional truths of our mutual existence in this sometimes cold and lonely world, let us take a moment for quiet meditation and reflection. Close your eyes, put down your hand axe, and let the warmth of the brandywine warm your belly and free those distracting thorns of conflict from the moist, mossy roots of your mind. Let your soul be a pebble in the river of time, and silence, a calming breeze upon its waters. Shhhhhh…
S – See! See, Mr. Orke, was that so difficult? Hee ho! And yet, we have taken but one small step on our journey together. In fact, we have taken no steps at all! We are still sitting here, sipping our brandywine. Have another cup and tell me: Who! Who are you!

C: Halfway through the Skills chapter there’s a long sidebar from a “Linda Tiedemeyer” in HR about inappropriate behavior in the break room. What’s up with that?

A: You got an early version of DUNGEON Feeelings™. That section has since been erratta-ed. Send me your copy and I’ll be happy to replace it.

C: I’ve paged through, like, the whole binder you sent and I can’t find any GM-ing advice on how to run the game. It all seems kinda disorganized and oblique. Do you have any suggestions on how to, like, actually play a session?

A: This was an intentional omission. You should play the way you feel you should play. Who am I to tell you how to play? Am I a professional game designer? I most certainly am not.

Fellow hobby gaming enthusiasts, I hope you are as excited about DUNGEON Feeelings™ as I am!

DUNGEON Feeelings™! Don’t just PLAY the game, FeeeL it!!

[UPDATE: Here's a glowing, completely unsolicited endorsement from a recent purchaser!]

Mike writes:

Last night I decided to introduce my DF players to a homebrew creature called a draegynne. Its Personal Identity Issues included hoarding and inflammatory halitosis, all results of misplaced anger over the media image and stereotyping of its race. One of the players suggested Sharp Object Crisis Intervention as a solution to the beast’s woes, but cooler heads prevailed and an open and loving dialogue was initiated instead.

The draegynne poured its heart out, unburdening itself of centuries of emotional baggage, but one waggish character made an E-meter joke and the offended draegynne flambéed the whole lot of them. The entire party suffered a Critical Existence Failure at this point and the players threw me in the swimming pool, but all in all I feel we came to a new understanding of one another and our human frailties. Thanks, Dungeon Feeelings!

Thank you, Mike. And remember, legally the name is DUNGEON Feeelings™.

But all of that doesn’t add up to the beads of sweat on a 16-HD Earth Elemental’s brow if you can’t roll better than a 3.

Many a fine evening has been DESTROYED by bad dice rolls. So what do you do when those dice JUST won’t seem to cooperate?

YOU CLICK PLAY!

…and MAYBE stick around after the credits. Just sayin’.

Almost universally loathed, he’s like the guy in the bridal party who insists you all go sing karaoke for the bachelor party and then while you’re busy destroying each other at indoor paintball breaks into a really bad rendition of “Don’t Stop Believin’” just to punish everyone else for voting him down.

(If you think this is actually an AWESOME idea, STOP READING NOW.)

Still, some jackass is invariably going to play one and waste all that time you COULD spend trashing the Infernal Keep of Vile Fire Giant Doom by pitching an impromptu concert to raise funds for the local chapter of Sister Sillicia’s Home for Orphaned Half-Orcs.

How do you get your game BACK ON TRACK? –Ask the Bastard!

What do you do?

YOU TURN TO THE BASTARD!

I’m a professional, people. Stand back. This is what I do.